November 24, 2011

Dear Lord,

Lord, I don't know. Maybe I was just too blinded by my emotions. I was so affected by it that I forgot that I had a rational mind and thinking that is working.

Lord, now I am having second thoughts about him. Yes they are good, his family is and he also but something just did not fit specially last night. Lord, it was as if our minds did not meet. We did not have the same mind wavelength.

Not that I am Ms. Smarty Nerdy again. No, there was something that I could not find though I cannot judge them prematurely. But thinking, am I willing to let myself become a part of their family? Am I willing to just passively listen and be quiet most of the time fearing that what I will say might shoo them away?

I think, I cannot be myself when I am with them. It would be quite difficult though it would be too early to tell.

Lord, he also. He really changed a lot. And I don't want to force myself to him anymore. I am just tired. Lord, he could not be the one that You would want me to have. Lord, someone just rightly fits my personality and my mind wavelength. Someone who belongs to Your family. Lord, I was trying or would be trying to change him and mold him into the kind of man I wanted him to be but it was wrong. So wrong. I do not have a choice Father God. I have to let him go and will just be contented to be his friend. I will just be a friend.

Lord, they have their definition of good times. I have also have mine. Unfortunately, ours just did not fit. I am happy with my simple walks out there, spending time with few close friends, singing, writing, being alone reading, going to museums, watching plays, attending conventions and seminars, surfing the Internet, etc. I am happy with these things already.

Lord, when will I find the right person for me? Just the right person who will fit the other half of my heart?

He does not have to be so handsome. He does not have to be so smart and a genius. Someone who just values and understands me. And someone whom I can also admire, respect and love eventually.

Lord, show him to me. I appeal to You. Next time around, I don't want to commit the same mistakes anymore. I will wait. I will wait patiently. Kindly show him to me please.

Thank You so much Lord. Amen.

Change Me

Dear Lord,

Lord, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for what I did to my father, for my words and actions.

Lord, please, I have the tendency to become a nagger which is a very bad characteristic for a Christian woman. Lord, no one wants to live with a quarrelsome woman, let alone a nagging one. Father, change me. Transform my heart.

This will all go down to my tendency to have a sense of control specially towards men. Lord, help me in this. I want to go to a counseling on this area of my life for I don't want to bring this bad behavior in my marriage in the future. Father, help me. I am so ashamed of my behavior.

I am already starting to think about this because of what happened last night and the possibilities of the future. Lord, I want to bring into my marriage a woman who is all complete, who is all wise and who is so beautiful and pure inside. A woman worthy of my future husband. Lord, change my ways. Lord, help me to become more submissive and to be more humble specially when it comes to my future husband.

Lord, I am so sorry. Really I am. For being so disrespectful, for being like a holier-than-thou. Change me, Father. I am begging You. Even my brothers do not like this bad behavior of mine. Father, help me Lord specially when I am angry to control my anger, to just zip my lips and to divert my attention to other things. Lord, I don't know what I have in the future, what is in store for me but only You knows everything.

Father, help me not to be overcome by my emotions. I am such an emotional person, please Lord help me to turn this into positive not negative. Something that will help me not harm me.

I still have yet to learn many things about myself and things to change about me. I am not yet ready for marriage for I don't want to bring my "excesses" with me when I am with that wonderful person.

Lord, just show him to me. Guide me as we zero in each other's paths. Show me Father who that person is and help me not to be so bothered by my emotions. I have this particular guy right now and You know him. You know how much chaos his presence in my life has caused me. He has no fault in this, only me. Help me not to be overcome by how I feel. My feelings are deceitful, just some uncanny workings inside my hypothalamus. Father, help me to think and act objectively.

Lord, I am passing through this stage for You are indeed "purifying" me. You are transforming form glory to glory. Lord, I am not going to hide anymore nor run away from my problems though I am tempted to. I will just hold on tight to You and will seek Your will, in Jesus' name.

Lord, by the way, may I ask what is Your will for me? Lord, may I humbly and boldly ask, without the histrionics of my emotions if that guy is the right one for me? Or am I just blind-sided by my emotions? Lord, what do You have to say on this?

Reveal to me, Father. I ask from You, amen.

Letting Go

Dear Lord,

Lord, I finally let him go last night. Lord, I destroyed again my TNT sim card just for me not to be able to talk to him nor to wait for him to talk to me ever again. I felt humiliated already, my pride has been trampled on again. That's why I had to really let go.

I cannot undo what has been done. No matter how much I wanted him to be interested with me again, I couldn't anymore. Maybe because I gave him the wrong signals. Or probably I gave the signals way too early for him to handle.

Lord, now I know my mistakes already. But I am not going to be remorseful about it nor about him anymore. I will just go on with my life, continue what I have been doing even before he came into it. I will just improve myself and be the best person that I am. I learned so much lesson in just a short period of time.

Lord, just help me as I go through this quite painful process. Lord, it is raining again. It was like I was given days to get to be with him and to let him see an overview of myself. Lord, I wish I had been more natural with him. I wish I had been more of myself with him. That I did not let my emotions overcome me and rule all the time that we were still communicating. Lord, thank You for You gave me days of fine weather just to spend time with him. And now that he is gone already, rainy days are back again.

Lord, everything happens for a reason. There's a because in every why. I have started to already figure out why we met in the first place. Our meeting has made me realize and see some things that were so wrong with me and my thinking. That I had a pattern with men that's why I am not yet in a relationship right now. Lord, You are transforming me still and changing me from glory to glory.

Lord, I am sad. Really. Not because I lost a good prospect but probably a good friend. Maybe someday we could be friends again but for now, I will choose not to remember him anymore nor even think about him. I will get on with my life. I must admit that I am already scared to take the risk of falling in love again. Of letting someone into my life and heart. Lord, please take away this fear and give me courage to be able to accept people and open doors for them into my life and my heart. Let not be this painful experience become a hindrance for me to love again. And just again.

Lord, You are the only One who knows the future. Lord, I must admit that I am hoping for the future that we would be given the chance to start all over again and that time around, things would finally work out between the two of us. Yet, I am not clinging to that hope. I am clinging to my hope in You.

Father, thank You so much. Thank You for being there and for cushioning my life with good and caring friends. I am thankful Father for their lives as they help me and lift my spirit up now that I am so down. Thanks a lot Father for them.

I will return to my old routines. I will get back to my undone businesses. I lost my balance but thank You Father for Your grace and mercy that I am able to retrieve it back again. Thank You so much Lord.

Father God, help me to understand Your Words this morning. May I become a blessing to others again in Jesus' name amen.

November 21, 2011

Dear Lord,

Thank You again for this lovely morning. Thank You for lending me back my life Father God. Lord, thank You so much.

Lord, I am still thinking about him. Lord, I decided last night to let go of him. But then I am still thinking about him. Lord, I will just let go. Let go of him, all my dreams about him in it, everything. Lord, I will not pretend that something did not happen for something really happened in me all in the span of a week or so. Yet, I must and will have to let go for nothing happens now. Yet Lord, You see the future ahead. You see what is going to happen in the future. I will just let go of him, of everything about him. But then Lord, I have noticed that all throughout my time that involved him, I did not think nor remember about William. He was completely out of the picture.

Lord, help me as I go through this sadness right now. This feeling of rejection. This feeling of inadequacy, this feeling that I was not good enough for him to like me. Lord, this is just the enemy's taunting. Lord, help me please. Forgive me also for I was not able to go to the children's ministry yesterday. Forgive me Lord. Lord, I am also praying that this time around that I transferred to Alabang, my decision will become a really wise one. Lord, may I have good Christian friends who would really help me. Lord, I thank You for the company of Ate Rachel and Ate Hazel yesterday. I enjoyed them a lot. Lord, may we become closer and may our lives become a blessing to each one. Lord, I am also thankful that I was able to see Kit yesterday there. Lord, I know there are no accidents in life. Everything happens for a reason. Lord, teach me what I needed to know regarding what's behind our meeting.Sometimes, I just wish that we had not met anymore. That he did not become a part of my life anymore. That I just simply live without knowing about his existence. But You have Your plans, Father. Just like the reason why I met William before, why I met the others before. They helped me become a better person. Lord, may my disappointment as regards him be not put to waste. There is a lesson behind this and yes one of them is Your admonition not to "awaken" love until the time is right. Lord, help me to act more accordingly and appropriately when I am with guys specially a guy that I like. Lord, I may have lost him already but I have learned my lessons so next time around, I will know what to do.

Lord, just take good care of him. Just bless him in everything he does and every endeavor he makes. He is a good man, a good person and lucky is the girl that he would like, love and eventually marry. Lord, I honestly wish I were her but it is impossible now. Lord, I am hurting right now, really I am but by Your mercy and grace, I will be okay. I will be fine. I will have a bright tomorrow. Lord, ours was a short time but during those times, I really lost my balance but I felt happy too. Yet, Lord I must let go now. I will let go of my dreams, of everything, I will surrender. Father, thank You so much and may my hour of sadness become a blessing in disguise for me. Father, thanks a lot. I surrender to You my broken heart. Amen.

Song of Songs 3:5

Dear Lord,

I guess, I was way too fast. Maybe, I was able to push him away. Lord, I guess I still do not have the maturity and the needed emotional state a married woman should have. I have been so into getting married but the question is, "Am I really ready?"

Maybe, I was way, way too fast for him. I don't know. Maybe I lost his attention already. But then Lord, You are the only One who knows about the future, what You have in store for us.

Maybe, I was so excited and too carried away by my feelings, my thinking had been distorted. My mind has not been working and functioning in the way that it should.

Lord, You know better than I. I will just trust in You. Maybe I did not act like a true Christian lady towards him. Yet, Lord I will leave him into Your hands. I will let go. I will be still and surrender. I will surrender all my hopes about him. Lord, You know what is in store for us. All I need to do is just wait. wait on You and cultivate myself.

You have better and bigger plans. I know. You see the bigger picture. I will just trust in You and really trust in You.

Please take good care of him as he leaves tomorrow or on the day that he does whenever that day will be. I will just go on with my life and will continue what I needed to do.

I must and will remember than You are always better than I...

Thank You, Father. Amen.

November 20, 2011, PM

Dear Lord,

Lord, I am not feeling well right now.

That guy though not overtly but subtly rejected me. I feel so bad.

Lord, since I met him, I have been feeling this way.

Lord, why does Song of Solomon 3:5 keeps on reverberating in my head?

Lord, what do You have to say? That I just keep quiet, be still and yes wait on You? That I must not try to awaken love until it is right?

Lord, You are maybe right. I will be just still. Do not think of any guy or person and just go on the business of cultivating myself, my soul, my mind and most of all my heart.

Lord, Your business is to give me and show me my future mate; My business now is to be the right mate for him whoever he is. For now, I will just be quiet, be still and wait on You.

Lord, I will just be quiet, be still and not wait on that person but only on You for You alone knows what is best for us.

Thank You, Father. Amen.

Thinking

Dear Lord,

Lord, thank You again for this lovely morning. For this chilly weather but later on a bright, sunny day. Lord, thank You so much for this morning I was able to see a different side of myself, a lovely side that I was able to see in the eyes of some people.

Lord, I have realized that maybe at the onset I may not be that beautiful physically, I am not that super knock out girl but then when one gets to be with me, talk to me and get to know me, they would easily like me. Lord, I am indeed thankful that in Your infinite wisdom, my love language, the factor that would really make me feel loved is in fact the same thing that if it happens, one would really want to go for more just to be with me. That a person who gets to spend time with me would actually see the real, unpretentious me and would like that in an instant. Lord, You are indeed good and I am thankful that I am made this way. Lord, I am more beautiful because of the beauty of my soul that only comes from You.

Lord, I am thinking about that man again. Lord, I am still praying for his safety and for him to have a good life. Lord, whatever Your plans are, then so be it. I am still praying for more "choices" in my life to come. May my world expand, may I increase my territory and may You always bless me indeed in all areas and aspects of my life.

I am praying Lord for Sir Alex that he may have a good and blessed life and that he may be able to get to know You deeper, in a very intimate and loving way.

Lord, thank You so much for last night I was able to prove to myself that I love my faith more than anything else. That I love You Lord in spite of my roller-coaster emotions. Lord, I am not willing and will never give up the faith that I have. The main reason why I live. Lord, I am praying for strength as I stand on this conviction. That I appreciate more the truth that You have blessed my life with. That I know who turn to and who to believe specially in times of my deep and agonizing trouble.

Lord, I am still asking for more circle of friends, for more people to come my way specially Christian friends, those who belong to Your family. Lord, I appeal to You that please, may You provide for me people who are matured enough to lift me up and bring me closer to You.

Lord, thank You so much for letting me see that lovely part of myself. One really has to spend time with me to see the real beauty in me and once someone does, there's this big possibility that he or she would be hooked.Hehehehe...

Lord, may this amazing quality be my "selling" factor as I draw others to come to You.

Lord, right now I am thinking. I am thinking about that man I am currently interested with. Lord, I saw last night that he was drinking. Not that he is a drunkard, but he drinks. Lord, may I not compromise on this area even if I like him so much. May I still set the boundaries for my emotion and may I have the mettle to say no when I really have to say no.

Father, thank You so much for this lovely morning. Thank You for the realizations and for the things that I learned yesterday. Thank You Father God. Amen.

Should I or Should I Not?

Dear Lord,

Lord, do I have to wait for that person until he comes back? Or do I still need to open myself up to others?

Lord, I guess I will still give myself chance to others if they would knock on my heart's door. Lord, it will not be fair if I would hope for someone and then would realize eventually that I made the wrong decision.

Yet, Lord I am tired of waiting. I know he is not someone less that I would settle for but I still yet to know him deeper.

Anyway, Father You are still going to provide for me. Provide for me the man that I am going to marry and spend the rest of my life with. Someone who You know will just fit my personality and who also shares my belief system. Someone whose behavior and attitude I don't really need to justify and give valid reason to.

Lord, You know what is in store for me. You know my tomorrow. You know all the things that I have inside my heart. Show me who that person is. Show me Lord the kind of person that he is. And when You do, please let him be attracted to me and be so kind to me even at first sight.

Lord, You are the Author of time. I am scared of being alone, deep in my heart all I want is to have my own family someday. You will be the One who will give me that lovely family, a number of babies we can provide for and a loving, responsible and wonderful husband and father who I will serve and obey with all my heart and soul. Show that person to me Lord. Thank You so much again, Father.

Too Good To Be Mistaken (November 19, 2011)

Dear Lord,

Father God, thank You again for this brand new day. Thank You so much that I am still alive even though I foolishly asked You yesterday to take my life all because of what I was thinking. I am so sorry Lord if I had been so negative and saw myself as ugly.

Lord, I don't know. I still yet to learn to base everything that I am and have in You. How I look at myself, how I look at love and other things. My past still catches up with me for I am seeing a pattern in myself and in my lovelife now. Lord, something's just not right. About the way that I think. Lord, my only question is, why do I keep on losing the guys that I liked? Or why can't I have them? Lord, I have been asking this from You for how many times already, but I am going to ask You once again: Am I given the life single blessedness? Yet, Lord deep inside I have this very strong desire to have a family of my own, to have my own children, to become a wife and a mother. Lord, no matter how bad marriages go nowadays, still I have hope that mine is going to be different for it is going to be the one given and blessed by You.

Father, I am just sorry. You really have Your ways. That guy, our neighbor I could have met him earlier, we could have been friends before but we only lasted for a week and now I have no idea if he is really gone already. Maybe, he is not really the one for me. Maybe because my love language is quality time and the nature of his work will not be able to fully fulfill it let alone if we were going to have children of our own, he is not really the one for me. I met him for a reason. What do You want me to learn from this quite painful experience?

Lord, maybe because he is not a Christian. But how do I know? I do not know. But maybe, yes. Typical guy, slowly flirted with me and yes, somehow dumped me like a hot potato. Not really how a man of God acts. Yet I was blinded by the revelries of things, the romanticism, the emotions given etc., etc. And there I was, so full of emotions that I almost gave my heart away all in the span of one week. Maybe because I have been so excited about falling in love. I am in love with the idea of falling in love. I still have yet to ask from You wisdom about this. For Lord, upon reflection, I have realized that I am easily blinded by my emotions. I am so in tuned with my emotions I live my life according to them. Then there is this negative thinking that I have. Lord, I still have many things to learn yet. Lord, I am praying that the next time I am going to be close to a certain person, to someone, may he be the right one for me. Lord, teach me this time how to really act and feel towards a man. Lord, I have realized also that I do not really have a more tangible example of love. My parents' marriage was a total sham and now my mother and even we are suffering from the consequences of their actions when they were younger. Lord, may I have a different life. A life that is blessed by You first and foremost, by them and the people who love and surround us.

Lord, I still have yet to learn many things. You still want me to prepare and become the Proverbs 31 woman.

You still want me to involve others specially Christian friends and other matured people in the process. Lord, this is not something I should do all alone. I need people to guide and give me the advice that I need so that I will avoid committing such a huge mistake that would affect me and my future children.

Lord, please I am praying still for Christian friends to come into my life. That I may have them in my life, Father God. So that I will have many people to talk to, sensible people to talk to when faced with big issues in my life. Lord, where can I find those people? Help me to find them, Lord God. Lord, at this time of my life help me to see the things that You need for me to do and focus on. Lord, I will trust You.

Lord, there must be a reason why I met him. Only You can answer that but eventually You will let me see and know the answers. Just like what I have realized with Nick. Lord, I will just put my trust in You and again, will just wait for Your answers.

Father God, thank You so much again for this lovely morning. Amen.

Insecurities Again Part Three

Dear Lord, (November 18, 2011)

I think I will be able to create a series and even a book with the title "Insecurities: Here and Beyond". I am still feeling this insecurity in me. I felt so rejected by someone. You know who that person is Lord but then I cannot be angry with him for everything was entirely my fault.

Father, I already started to create images and fantasies about him. I would also dream about him from time to time. I must admit that in a short time, I got infatuated with him and have gotten this huge crush on him. But I must control my emotions now for they just get me nowhere.

Lord, I feel so insecure towards my sister. She has always been the one so beautiful, the one who easily gets noticed. Lord, You know how I feel about myself. I am having such a low, way so below sea level self esteem right now. I was already thinking that maybe because I was not pretty enough, thin enough and fair-skinned enough for someone would like me and eventually love me. Lord, each time I would see couples holding hands, couples who have their own families and children I could not help but feel envious. Lord, You know my being and acting smart all the time, my being intellectually arrogant most of the time were just fronts so that someone would see me in that strength. Physical beauty is not really one of my strongest points. I feel so low right now, Father. Lord, I do not want to be alone. I also want to close to someone, someone who I can call my bestfriend, someone I can be intimate with, mind, body, heart and soul. But my world Lord. Where does it evolve? I feel like I am already at the dead end again.

Lord, I want to feel cherished and made to feel like a real lady and woman by a man. Lord, I am just being honest with my desires and longings. I am so sorry Lord if I feel that way.If I even silently prayed that You just take my life if I am going to live it as a single person. Lord, I am so sorry. Really, I am.

Let me handle my situation and my emotions right now in Your wisdom and strength. I know the enemy is attacking me severely right now for I am doing the right thing. Just give me the strength Lord.

Lord, please, I am begging You, I want to have a family of my own. A complete family with me as the mother, then there is the father and we will have our own children. Lord, deep inside. this is all what I have always wanted. I want to become a mother, a wife and someone's life partner.

Lord, You are the only One whom I can tell all these things about. I cannot share these with anyone except You. My heart is in pain and wreck right now. Heal me, Father.

Lord, I know that You are seeing my tears right now. I know that You are here beside me and comforting me. Let me just make the tears flow freely. I have been keeping them all bottled up inside. I just want to let my feelings, my emotions out.

Father, I know that You listen and You understand. Just please help me cope with this. Whatever Your will Lord shall be done. I will just trust in You and will just hold on to You more specially during this emotional turmoil that I am having right now.

Thank You so much again, Father. Amen.

November 18, 2011

Dear Father God,

I am just filled with so much joy and happiness that only You could give and provide.
Thank You again for this brand new lease in life that You have given me.

Father forgive me yesterday for acting harshly towards that guy who used to bother my little sister. Lord, may we find it in our hearts to finally and yes completely forgive him eventually.

Forgive me also for feeling so unbeautiful last night. That I just depended my beauty from my externals, that I looked at and saw myself in such a bad and negative manner all because of a guy who seemed to be so nice after all.

Lord, I don't know what You are up to when You allowed the two of us to meet. Lord, I am not going to put my hope in him but to You, my Father, the great Author of my love story, the One who just wants the best and nothing but the best for me.

Lord, just help me to become a godlier and lovelier woman in Your sight. Thank You for bringing him in my life in such a short notice. He made me feel complicated but his presence made me see the weakest spots in myself. My tendency to become negative and think that I do not deserved to be loved by a great and just plain nice guy. That I have this insecurities as regards my appearance that I still need to surrender to You everyday of my life.

Yet Lord, thank You so much for letting me remember everything that You said in Your Word. That I am beautifully and wonderfully made, that I have a hope and a future and that my beauty is not just from the outward appearance but from the beauty of the gentle and quiet spirit. That I am reminded of the Proverbs 31 woman whose crowning glory is the holy fear of You.

Thank You so much Jesus. Thank You so much for all Your blessings, for Your loving kindness for everything. For giving me the reason for living. Forgive me Father and yes Lord, I am thanking You for showing who I am to You. That You love me that much to suffer and die for my sins, for lifting me up from the miry pit of sin.

Thank You so much Father. Amen.

Insecure

Dear Lord,

Lord, I cannot sleep until now. I am still waiting for his reply. Lord, I think he does not like me. Lord, I wish I had not met him anymore. Because I like him again. Another one. Lord, please spare my heart.

Lord, I am crying out to You. Help me. I cannot describe this feeling. I am filled with sadness. What is supposed to be a happy night ended in misery all because of my thoughts. Lord, what do You have to say?

Maybe, Ianne my friend was right when she told me I was a negative person. Yes, in all other areas of my life, I have been such a positive girl but when it comes to my lovelife and my dealings with men, I am becoming the complete opposite. Lord, I am small, I am not fair-skinned like my sister, I am not that beautiful.

Yet, Lord You reminded me that I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Lord, that all I need to cultivate is the kindness and love that I have in my heart. That I have a hope and a future. I may not be so physically appealing but then Lord, I will just use my heart, mind and spirit to captivate whoever that person is that You will give me.

Lord, I will just work on my soul. I will just have a beautiful soul, a lovely and faithful heart. These Lord I will cultivate in me. Thank You so much for reminding me.

Lord, regardless if he would reply or not, I will go to sleep now an thank You so much for this wonderful night and memory.

November 17, 2011

Dear Father,

Thank You again for this lovely morning. Lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I made yesterday.For the bad words I said and the wrong and impure thoughts that I had.

Lord, I was so sad yesterday and uneasy for what happened. I learned my lesson again the hard way but the good thing is I know my friends would understand. Lord, I was such a fool to jump into conclusion that he would actually walk with me. That he would actually be with me last night. Foolish me, I already told everyone about it. Now, I have to face and explain everything to them for definitely they will ask me. Lord, I was just trying to open myself up to other people and possibilities. Why does my lovelife have to end always this way? Negative, zero, nada?

Lord, what do I do now? Anyway, good thing we were able to talk until the wee hours of the morning and has finally accepted that maybe things were not meant to work out the way I wanted them to. That he is not really meant to have that special place in my heart and in my life. All I wanted Lord was to give myself a chance, a try to love and be loved by someone. Lord, I lost William before, he is happy now with his ladylove but here I am still searching, still hoping. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel so pathetic and probably there is really something wrong with me.

Lord, I am so tired. I am so tired of the false alarms. I have lost too much time and equilibrium these past few days because of what happened. How in the course of a week, my life would turn upside down again. I am so sad. I feel ugly, I feel bad about myself. Lord, forgive me if I feel this way. I just could not help it.

I feel like I am already at the dead end. There is no way out for me anymore. I feel suffocated, I wanted to jump off the big wall. Lord, all I want is to have my own family, to be with my husband and to take care of our family. Lord, I have been praying for this since time immemorial. Sometimes, I am already losing hope already. No matter how hard I try.

Anyway Lord, good thing I became disillusioned already before I completely lost my mind. That I was awaken from this high feeling and emotion. But I feel so crushed. Brokenhearted and utterly jaded.

I am just tired Lord. Really and honestly tired. I want to rest my heart for a long while. I have been wounding this fragile part of me mercilessly for the past 20 years already. It needs time to heal. Lord, please repair again my broken heart, lift up again my low self-esteem and bring my spirit back to life again.

Lord, just like before I know You have Your reasons why. Whatever they may, I hope to see and understand them in Your own sweet and beautiful time. Lord, help me to put more of my trust in You.

Lord, thank You so much. I surrender my broken heart and crushed spirit to You. Amen.

November 16, 2011

Dear Lord,

Thank You Father God again for this very lovely morning. For this brand new life that You let me have again. I am happy to have woken up alive and yes as early as this time, thinking.

Lord, You know what is happening right now. You know that right now, I am getting to know someone. Someone from our neighborhood. Honestly Lord, I am scared. I need more wisdom more than ever and not to be swayed by my emotions way too much. I will get to know the person more without involving too much of my emotions. Though I must admit that I feel good right now. But life, dating relationship and eventually marriage are more than just emotions. They are to be more grounded into wisdom and faith in You.

Lord, I am not sure of his belief systems. But I will get to know him first. I will now use more of my brains than my emotions. Wisdom that comes only from You. Lord, help me not to get too emotionally involved with this person until I get Your go signal. Lord, help me right now. Help me to think more objectively and clearly on this. Now more than ever, I need You to be in my life. That whatever the outcome is, I know that everything will be for my own good.

Lord, forgive me for those impure thoughts I had in my mind. I will respect that person and never think of him in a very demeaning and impure manner. Any person that I will be attracted to. I will guard my heart and the workings of my mind.

Lord, I am also thinking. I honestly pity our neighbor who used to harass my sister. But we have to go on with this. No, not to fight with him but to just let him know that we are not to be bullied. Just to let him know that he go give us some respect for we do not cause them any harm. We just want to live in peace, that's all. Tomorrow, I will talk to him in a calm and nice manner. Just to let him know that we are not to be intimidated.

Lord God, my Father, thank You so much. Thank You Jesus for this lovely time in the morning that I get to talk to You in a very intimate manner. Thank You so much Lord.
Help me to become more of a blessing to my friends and others as well. Amen.

November 15, 2011

Dear Lord,

Thank You so much for this brand new life again. For lending me back my life again. Lord, thank You that I am still alive, that I am still okay.

Lord, something bothers me still right now. No, I will let go of that person for he is not the one that You plan for me. Lord, You know what stuff I am made of. You know the needs that I have in me. You know Lord the kind of person You have made me to be. Since I met him, I was given some hope but then no, I am not really comfortable with those thoughts. Lord, I am praying that You kindly change the way I think and feel right now. I pray Lord that I will regain the peace and tranquility that I had prior to the day that we met. It is quite funny for it has been only barely a week and if I had not seen him in FB, I would really not remember his face. Lord, please.

Lord, let me become a blessing in my workplace again. Let me love those who are seemingly unlovable, those who are not easy to get along with. Help me Lord to bless those who need me, my time and my energy. Lord, may I also do them with all the sincerity and kindness You could give me.

May I also Lord become more of a responsible daughter, a loving child and big sister to my parents and younger siblings. Lord, I had been so preoccupied with my work that I have no real time with my family anymore. I will spend more time with them later.

Lord, I am also praying for my friends, for Ynnah, Ianne and Sette. Lord, forgive me for because of my preoccupation with myself, I have already forgotten to pray for them specially their salvation. Lord, please help me Lord God if You are going to use me to lead them back to You, then so be it.

I am also praying for my own spiritual growth. Lord, You know that my church right now has not been so supportive of my growth. Lord, is it right for me to change church again or to just stay? Lord, please help me. I also really need people to uplift me and to walk with me in my faith.

Lord, I am also still praying for that special in my life whoever he will be. Lord, kindly show him to me and yes Lord, may we find each other in Your own time. Lord, You know my situation right now. It is not that I am not mingling with others nor having any other life aside from my work and my home. It is just that no opportunity has been given me to meet with others who also share the same belief system that I have. Lord, I must admit that I have this certain guy in my mind who is very much younger than me but who shows such godly qualities that draw me to him. Lord, do I pray for him? Lord, whatever Your will is then it shall be done in You own time.

Lord, is it okay if he would become my inspiration? Someone who would propel me to become a better person and a better woman? Is it okay? Is it wise? I don't think so. For what if You already planned to give him to another girl? Then I would be hurt again. No, it's like this. I will just be the right person. I have some ideas in mind about the right person for me so for me to attract him, I will become the right person first. In all aspect. Mind, body and soul.

Lord, thank You for this time that I am having discomfort for in times like this, I am drawn to be become closer to You.

Amen.

November 13, 2011

Dear God,

Lord, I am not really feeling well now.

Lord, I have realized that I still really have hang-ups as regards my acceptance of other people in my life. Lord, I am having some issues in my life, unresolved conflicts that stemmed out from my childhood, when my father left and I had this feeling of abandonment. Now, Lord I am afraid to become close to members of the opposite sex when it comes to intimate relationship. Now, I know the reason why I still don't have any intimate relationship with me. I tend to push them away because I just wanted to feel that they would run after me. That they would take time to get me and then when they do, I would still run away.It would be like a game, a game of hide and seek. And when they found me I would try to run and hide deeper until they would get tired to run after me.

Lord, I am just afraid to be abandoned again. To be left alone again and suffer any pain or discomfort. I don't want to be hurt anymore, to expect attention and even love from someone and then lose it again.

Lord, I am asking from You that You please heal my heart. I am really in pain right now. Lord, I know that You are the God of second chances. Let me have the chance to love and really love someone. And to be loved as well. Someone who would take time to run after me and this time, I am not letting go. Just give me the chance Father. To fully let go of my hang-ups, of this feeling of abandonment, of isolation. Let me accept help and love from others. Let me also receive love as I give it also.

Lord, I will have faith in You. I will let go of what has to be let gone. I will trust in Your orchestrations, I will trust in whatever You will do and Your movements. You know better than I. I will let go of everything and i will just trust in You. I will live in quiet peace knowing that You know and see my situation. Thank You Father for You are there.

Thank You so much.

November 11, 2011

Dear Lord,

Lord, You know what I was thinking and imagining a while ago. It was all about sex again and with different men in different scenarios. It all started when that man that I met days ago texted me.

Lord, it is not about him or anyone else; it is all about me and my distorted thinking. These days, I have been lacking discipline in food so even in my thoughts I am also.

Lord, they are my coping mechanism. It's like my body has so gotten used to those things just to give me pleasure specially when I am stressed or bored.

I already stopped listening to love songs, I even stopped using my FB account the "sin-inducing" one but still I am like this. Lord, please show me where do I go wrong?

Lord, please help me. To live a life that just gives You glory and honor. I am forgetting this most of the time. Please help me.Amen.

November 10, 2011

Dear Lord,

I am so ashamed again. My actions yesterday were so terrible. My thoughts were offensive again to You. Lord, right now all I want to do is to zip my lips, be alone and spend my day in quiet solitary in order for me to reflect on the life that I am living.


Lord, I was so foolish to ride on what Pauline's mom was doing. I must admit that I was irritated when that man did not text me. I was waiting and expecting that he would do. Not because I like him nor I am interested with him but here I am again with my dreaded disease, vanity. Pride also. All I wanted was a story to tell to all my co-teachers and other friends about him, that's all.

And because of that frustration for senseless thing, I committed again a senseless sin which is to gratify myself with lustful thoughts and actions.

I even listened to secular love songs again. To secular music.

To make this story short which of course Lord, You already know I am on the verge of relapsing again to my old, sinful ways.

By the way, I went again to the library but he was not as "effective" to me as he was before.

Lord, I just want to continue in You. I don't want to relapse. The enemy is attacking me severely nowadays.


Lord, I also said bad words again that I know were offensive to You. And Lord, I hurled those words to that man who has been harassing my younger sister.

I am angry with Him. Help me Father to practice me Christianity towards that man. Lord, do not let him hurt anyone in my family. I am starting to develop hate towards him. Lord, help me deal with this. Help me to put into practice that "loving Your enemy" thing.

I am sorry for all of these. Really. Forgive me, Father.

I am also for my actions towards that woman yesterday. I have realized that I am more in the "blessed" state than her for I can say that I have more friends and people to talk to than her. That people would easily approach me than her. Lord, this is not pride but just thankful that my life is quite better than hers in terms of relationship with others.

Anyway Lord, I was able to tell her my concerns yesterday without letting our coordinator know. I did not want her to be placed in hot water because of her actions even though we are not in good terms.

Lord, I am sorry. Really I am. Honestly I am tempted to repeat the sexual purity course again just to refresh my spirit. Lord, is it the right thing to do or will I just press on?

Kindly give me the answer, amen.

November 9, 2011

Dear Lord,

I feel so bad now. Lord, there is no one I can turn to.

Lord, I hate my parents. I hate them. I hate them for only thinking of themselves, I hate them for fighting in front of us, I hate them for not working out their differences.

I hate it that we are ironically a Christian family but we are like this. I hate it that I was not able to choose my parents nor the family that I should belong to. Lord, I cannot handle them any longer. They are so heavy.

Lord, help us. Lord, help me not to hate them. Help me that inspite of these things, the enemy wanting to destroy us, please Lord help us altogether. Discord and division were never Your will. Lord, I am really not feeling well. I don't have anyone to turn to. I have no one to tell my story about. Lord, I am really not feeling well. No matter how hard I have tried to look at the bright side, darkness still forces its way into our lives.

Lord, I hate them. But what can I do? I am here. I feel powerless. No one is helping us. Our family is not a good testimony, my parents are good example of a bad marriage, something like "don't try this at home" type.

Lord, I really feel bad. They are not good examples. Sometimes I wish they had not met anymore. Sometimes I wish that this family did not exist anymore. Sometimes I wish that all the four of us belong to a different family so that my younger siblings do not experience this shameful and very sad state.

Lord, I am tired. I am really tired of carrying this family's burden. I am tired of being the mediator, the peacemaker, the one who needs to be sane when everyone here is already insane. I am tired. Really, I am.

Lord, are You listening to my prayers?

I am tired. Really I am tired. Lord, I cannot carry this all alone. I cannot handle this all alone. Lord, I cannot do this all alone.

November 8, 2011

I am filled with spiritual sadness...

Dear Lord,

I cannot hide anything from You. Lord, I have realized that indeed I need to radically amputate everything that hinders my walk with You. I fell again yesterday.
It all started when I bought those clothes specially my mini-skirt. When I started feeling slutty. Then I checked the Facebook account of that guy again and since then on, I started to have lustful thought and fantasies with him. Lord, I really need to disable my Facebook account or it will be the start of my downfall. Lord, I am so sorry. I am sorry for I gratified myself again yesterday, for I used my time and mind again on worthless and senseless things. I am so sorry and Lord, thank You for showing me my the cause of my downfall.

There are other ways for me to connect with friends. I have this blog. If I need to communicate with them, there's my email and my cellphone number. Lord, I will stop using Facebook now. Before my soul will go to hell.

I am sorry. Lord, please I badly need to confess this sin to anyone trustworthy. Lord, show me who that person is. Let me meet with that person. I want to be totally free from this bondage of sin. This sexual sin. Help me. Please Lord, help me. I really need to let this out.

Thank You again Lord for this life. I am humbly asking for Your help. Please help me. Amen.

November 7, 2011

Dear Lord,

Thank You Father for this lovely day. For lending me back my life. Thank You Lord.

Lord, I am so sorry. A while ago that person came into my mind again and I was thinking again of him in a sensuous way. Lord, I am so sorry. My mind is on its way again to undisciplined road. I am sorry. Help me to think Lord of things that are holy and pure. I again looked again at his photo again in Facebook. I guess I should really stop doing so for I am just sinning when I do.

Lord, I am also sorry yesterday for my attitude towards Audrey. Lord, I don't know her that much, we don't really know each other personally but I am already having some ill feelings towards her because of her attitude towards my sister. Lord, I am sorry that instead of just loving her and trying to understand her, I even joined my in insulting her. Lord, teach me and transform my heart. That no matter how bad or irritating a person is, let me become more patient with him or her. Yesterday, I also noticed that I got easily irritated when confronted by inconvenience specially if done and given by other people. Just like now. I am disturbed by my father while I am doing this and I am not happy with it. Let me become more patient. Hah, Lord! I am praying for patience and absolutely You will give me more patience-inducing situations that will definitely test and put it into practice. Lord, may I handle them well and may I just become more patient. And loving and just understanding. Not in quiet resignation but in love and human comprehension.

Lord, though I love rainy days so much, still I love sunny days more. I pray for the sun to appear. Lord, I miss sunny days so please Father let the rain stop now. It has started to become a nuisance already.

Lord, thank You so much. Help me to understand everything that You are going to teach me today. Everything that I will learn from my Setting Captives Free lessons. Thank You Lord and may this day become a blessing to me. Amen.

November 6, 2011

Dear Lord,

I am so sad right now. I cannot face You. I am so ashamed. I am so sorry. Lord, something is wrong with me. First I could not handle well the excesses available around me. I kept on eating and eating and if ever I would be very fat again, there will be no one to blame except me. Then yesterday, when I wore my mini-skirt, I must honestly admit that I felt slutty with what I was wearing, I know I drew some attention and I believe it did not really please You. Also, I thought again of lustful thoughts, I remembered that guy again and each time that I did, I would only think of him in lustful and sensuous ways that of course made You feel bad. I must admit, there were some pleasures just thinking about those things but in the end they did not only bring me shame but intense sadness as well.

Lord, it is not about the clothing, it is not about the food, it is not about that person, it was all about the way I thought. My own thinking. My mind. Everything starts with it. Lord, I have this distorted abundance thinking that " I would always still have something tomorrow". It is good at a certain extent but not helpful specially when distorted. I would eat and eat to my heart's content thinking that the pounds would be shed off through exercise. No wonder I am still this size for though I exercise and move a lot, I try to compensate by eating and eating till my intestines burst. It is an exaggeration but it could be my literal truth.

Then, there were these lustful and sexual thoughts about that man. Lord, I do not even admire him let alone love him. Yet, I treat him as just an instrument to fulfill my sexual fantasies. Lord, I am blunt with You for really I cannot hide anything from You. Lord, I have been taking the Setting Captives Free course but I must admit that these days, I have not been concentrating on my lessons and in fact yesterday I did not finish it. No wonder I am being mercilessly attacked again by the enemy and I don't have enough "weapon" to fight him over.

Lord, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for my undisciplined attitude. I am sorry for my disobedience again. My time has not been put to good use very well these days. I have been so consumed with all the blessings that I received from You I forgot to feed my soul well. I have been feeding my flesh and the lust of the eyes. Lord, I am so sorry. Help me Lord to transform my way of thinking of, dealing with and handling of things You only meant for good.

Father God, thank You again for this morning. Thank You that I am still alive that You let me borrow again my life. I really should put this in mind so I can be a better steward of everything that You are blessing me with even time which is a non-renewable resource. Thank You Lord and may I get more insights and understanding as I study and read on God's Word today.

Amen.

Blessy

November 4, 2011

Dear Lord,

Good morning, Father. Thank You again for this life that You lend back to me. Lord, thank You for reminding me that I am only borrowing this life from You and anytime You have all the prerogative to take it. Lord, as long as I know that my life is in Your hands then I will be just fine.

Lord, I am sorry that early this morning, instead of thanking You and giving praise to You, I only counted and calculated the money that I received, spent and will receive. Lord, with all the resources You have been giving me, am I using them properly or just wasting them?

Lord, I bought books again yesterday. Books that I know will help me with my studies and other areas in my life. Lord, I guess I need to let go of some that I don't really need and don't really read. I will still save some but I will donate some. Lord, I think I will just donate instead of profiting from them. You will be the One who is going to bless me. I will give those that I don't need anymore. Those that I already read. Lord, it is not easy to let go of those but by Your grace, I can for I was born without anything here on earth and I will depart here also with nothing.

Lord, I am thinking of the debts that I incurred that I have not yet paid. Lord, I will pay my sister the 500p that I owe her come my payday. Then little by little I will also pay my mother. Lord, I just want to come clean with You so I will pay them. All in my obedience of You. I love You more than money.

Lord, thank You so much for all the blessings. For this study table that I can use for my early morning devotions, for the things I was able to buy, for everything that I was able to acquire. Lord, thank You so much for I am able to enjoy everything that You have given me. Yet Lord, give me the wisdom to use everything that You have been giving me be they money, time and talent. Let me use them all for the glory of You.

Father, thank You so much. All I have in my heart is my gratitude for You. For all the blessings. For everything. For the opportunities. In my life, I really do not have any reason to be sad for everything really works together for me. Setbacks may happen along the way but I am rest assured that they happen to bless me and become the person that You want me to be. All for Your glory.

Lord, as I study and meditate on Your Word today, help me to study them well and best, keep them in my heart. Lord, help me not to be sidetrack again by the affairs of this world but help me to just simply focus and just focus on You. Lord, thank You also for making my father come home safe. Thank You Lord for the things You are blessing Him with.

Lord, in my abundance let me remember those who are in want. Make my heart become more generous to them and use me to bless them. Lord, I am planning to spend my birthday in CRIBS. May it become not just a plan but a reality. Not for my glory but for Yours. Lord, I am praying for my loan in PAG-IBIG so that I can use the money that I will get there to bless others.

Lord, thank You again for this lovely, rainy morning. Amen.

November 3, 2011

Dear Lord,

Lord, thank You again for this lovely day that You lend back to me. Thank You for this quite chilly morning, the blue sky, the sound of the birds, everything. Indeed I have many things to be thankful for.

Lord, I must admit that after listening to a preaching last night about marriage, I again had this desire to be married. I was thinking again about my lovelife, about having a boyfriend, about being in a relationship. Lord, I have been praying to You about this area and sometimes Lord I am really becoming impatient to the point of being already frustrated. Lord, I know being married is not easy, my parents have not been good examples of a good marriage actually, it takes a lot of work. As in tremendous work from us and lots of grace and mercy from You. Yet Lord, albeit the discouraging things, the not-so-good examples,the separations here and there, I still desire to be married and to be of service to someone.

Lord, I am not looking for a perfect relationship, nor the perfect man. Those are far from realities. Lord, I just want someone whom I can share my life with. Someone I can serve, someone I can love. Someone who can be with me serving You and then when we have children, they will also serve You. I want to have a family of my own. My own children, my own babies to cradle, to cuddle and to take good care of. I know it takes a lot of work and sacrifice but then Lord everything will be worth it eventually, right?

Lord, I don't want to be alone in the future. I want to be with someone to hold my hands in my old age. Someone who will be with me in the garden, tending our plants and spoiling our grandchildren. Lord, I am praying for these things. They are indeed my heart's desire.

Lord, I don't know. I also have this desire in me to be intimate with my husband. I want to be hugged, kissed, caressed and loved by my husband. Lord, I know my full satisfaction comes from You but I am still human, I still have my longings and desires.

Lord, help me as I go through this phase again. This phase that I am feeling this desire, this frustration. This is the time that I am the weakest so Lord please lift me up. I have this prayer in my heart and Lord, I am holding on to what You told me before in Isaiah 34:16 that "none shall be without her mate". Lord, I am holding on to this promise but right now Father, help me as I deal again with this desire in me.

Lord, forgive me if I had again daydreams though there were no sensual images there. Still, my daydreams were not grounded to reality so I will refrain from doing it so and live with my truth everyday. I am single right now, no prospect in sight and still praying.

Lord, whatever happens I will trust in You. My life is in Your hands. You know what is in store for me. I will make a leap of faith. I will live like I am already going to be married. I will love my future husband all the days of my life and that includes now. Lord, help me to become a good and loving wife to whoever he is, let me be the answer to his prayers. May I not become his frustration but rather his inspiration. May I become just the right person for him. Regardless of his imperfections, I will still love him for You will give me a heart like Yours, a heart that sees beyond the flaws and imperfections, a heart that forgives, understands and just loves deeply.

Lord, may I become the woman he has been praying for whoever that man is.

Thank You Lord, amen.

November 2, 2011

Dear Lord,

Lord, thank You again for this day. Thank You for lending me back my life and for giving me another day to enjoy, to relax and to just be thankful that You have given this chance for me to take a rest. You know how much I need to take some respite from my stressful and demanding job. Come next week, there's going to be another whole batch of workload to do but I am rest assured that I will be fine for You are with me and whatever happens, You will just be with me to give me rest and to give me peace.

Lord, I am thinking right now. I am listening to the song "No Greater Love" by SCC. Lord, I am thinking about the sacrifice those five missionaries gave just to bring the good news to those Waodoni people. They were willing to die. Just like Jesus Christ but no one could equal what He did just to give us salvation and redemption from our sins.

Lord, what am I willing to give for Your glory? For Your kingdom? I have been so preoccupied by the concerns of this world I have forgotten already Your great commission. Lord, help me with my walk with You. Help me also to minister to those people whom You want me to share Your good news with. Lord, my life. I have been using in vain, I have been using aimlessly. Lord, I may not have true Christian friends right now to lift me up but Lord, by Your grace I can do it though I am alone right now and Lord someday, You will also give them to me those people. Lord, I am with You in this fight. Fight to do what is right in Your eyes, to not be overcome by this world and to love others regardless of their attitude. Lord, I am still afraid of rejection but by Your grace, in Jesus' name, this fear will go away from my heart. May my gift with the gab, my gift of sensitivity to other people's need become a tool for me to establish a good relationship with them and to draw them closer to You.

I am praying for my father Lord, he is coming home tomorrow that please You take good care of Him and be with him on his journey. Lord, You know what is inside my father's heart, his future, everything. Lord he may have made a lot of mistakes, he may not be the best father and husband in the world but by Your grace, he can still change and have a heart transformation. But for now maybe Lord, You just want us to be more patient and loving to him regardless of his attitudes. Lord, I just lift him up to You. Be with him.

I am also praying for my brother Jego. Lord, please give him a teachable heart. You know Lord what is wrong with him. Help him Father to see Your light and to free him from everything that keeps him in bondage. Lord, please help him. Show Yourself to him. So that he will know which path to take. The right and the best path.

Lord, I am also praying for my other friends. For Ianne that she may be able to find real and true happiness in life. The happiness and joy that only comes from You. Help her Lord God to get to know You. Also Sette. Lord, I know that she is living a sinful life that she cannot let go of. Lord, help her also to get to know You. Lord, may she be free from that sinful relationship and may You restore what is to be restored. Lord, if it is Your will for her to separate from her abusive husband then kindly help her. Lord, may she find You and have a good relationship with You.I am also praying for Ynnah that though she may have a seemingly worry-less life, still may she still find You and have a good relationship with You. I am praying for these three women. Lord, if You want to use me for them, then so be it. Just give me the strength and the discipline to live the real Christian life in front of them and for others to see.

Lord, may this day become productive again. May I have more meaningful time with You and time to do what I need to do. I will just take a rest and relax. Thank You Lord. Thank You for Your Words. Amen.

November 1, 2011

Dear Lord,

Good morning again. Thank You for this life again. For lending this back to me. Lord, I am sorry I think I did not use my time so wisely yesterday. I just watched and watched those movies from Hallmark. Lord, they were good movies and made me wish that one day You would also give me a very good husband. Lord, I am still praying for that wonderful person.

Lord, my prayer for today has something to do with it. Lord, I know it is my fault but I could not help but check on William's FB page. Lord, I know he is not the right person for me but sometimes I still have this a bit sensation of pain each time I would remember him. I don't know. Maybe I am just romanticizing a love that I lost. Lord, You know before how I felt about him, how he was just the person I could ever like. How I wanted him to be a part of my life. Yet things did not work out the way I wanted them to. I ended up feeling insecure and had a low self-esteem because of my experiences with him. Lord, I thank You because You helped me redeem back myself again.

Lord, when it comes to him I just feel insecure. Maybe because of my status and his. But I think there's nothing wrong with my education, with my socio-economic status and other things. These are just the world's standards. And probably his. You wouldn't want me to be married with a guy with a probable thinking like that. (^^,)

Lord, I pray that I can fully move on now. That there will be no bitterness whatsoever when I think of him. That there will be not even the slightest hint of pain each time he passes my mind. All I want to remember are the good memories. There were also those lovely times. I thank God for those moments that You let me have with him even if we never became us.

Father, I know everything happens indeed for a reason and there is always a time for everything. You know when to give and You know when to take. My business is just to trust You and just obey You. That's all. Lord, I depend on Your Word and I trust that You will give me hope and a future. Father, thank You so much.

Lord, I am still compelled to pray for my brother, Jego. Lord, I appeal to You to please help him as he looks for a good job that is just suitable for him and his personality. Lord, being a teacher is not that easy. It takes a strong spirit and a patient heart. Lord, You know his nature. You know his limitations. I just lift him up to You. Be gracious to him, Father. I lift him up to You that he may find what You have in store for him. But first, it is important that he establish a very good relationship with You.

Lord, You know better than I. I just trust in You. Kindly remove any trace of doubt or question inside my head. Bad things happen indeed to other people specially Christians but I pray that those bad things do not cause me to become unfaithful but rather be more strong in my faith. Thank You Father. Thank You for this lovely day. Amen.

October 31, 2011

Dear Lord,

Good morning. Lord, thank You again for this lovely day and morning. Thank You for lending me back my life again. Thank You for the realization that time indeed is a resource so I must use it accordingly and properly. That I can work again for money giving it back to myself but with time, I could no longer take back what has been lost already. So by Your grace and the wisdom coming from You, I am going to make much of it today. I will live only for today.

Father, I am still praying for my accountability partner, someone who can encourage me and lift me up as I walk with You. Yet Lord, when I read the testimony from a member of settingcaptivesfree.com, I have realized that maybe she had a point saying that it is a blessing that for now, You have not yet given me any accountability partner nor many christian friends because this is the season that You only wanted me to rely on You and be closer to You, making You my real best friend. Lord, I believe You are just teaching me something as I go through this phase of being just reliant on You. Lord, please do not let me in any way become self-reliant to the point of already becoming so arrogant thinking I could do things on my own. Rather, as the days go by I am feeling strong and independent, let me be reminded that my strength only comes from You and my freedom as well. Everything just indeed comes from You and I can't take any credit for anything.

Lord, I am still relying on You. For strength, for freedom from sin, for wisdom in everything. Let me be reminded of Your teachings as I go about my days. Forgive me of my sins, for times when I shortchanged other people of what I should be giving them, for compromising and for feeding the lust of my flesh. Thank You Father for Your forgiveness and grace.

Lord, thank You again for this day. May this day become a productive and lovely one as I use this for Your glory and honor. Thank You Lord, amen.

October 30, 2011

Dear Lord,

Lord, thank You again for this lovely day that You gave me. Thank You that I am still alive though i can feel some muscle pain. Maybe something's wrong with me, I am just tired and yes, really tired what with all the work and everything that we did these past weeks. Thank You for this lovely week-long vacation that I am going to have.

Father, forgive me of all my sins yesterday. It started with all those unclean thoughts that I had inside of my mind again. Images were running inside my brain and I must admit that I felt pleasure when I thought of those things but dirty afterwards. Maybe because I was stressed out yesterday and I was running against time my body wanted to ease some of the discomfort I was feeling. I am so sorry Lord.

Lord, yesterday I was somehow disappointed with the response of a friend I was inviting to be my accountability partner. She was not really willing. I know she was just joking when she told me that I should find somebody else. Lord, how could I do that when there's no one around? Someone that I know of to become my accountability partner? Lord, this battle alone is not easy. Lord, I cannot do this all alone. I need to have some christian friends to lift me up and guide me. I will also guide them and we will lift one another up. Lord, there is no one. No one in my life right now to become my real christian friend, someone I can be accountable with.

I am so sad. I cannot bear all my burdens all alone. I need people in my life to build me up and I to build them up as well. Sadly, there's no one to be found. I don't want to go to another church again. I am staying in Imus. Show me the people Lord. Show them to me and let me find them Father.

Lord, help me fight my battles. Help me as I really make the resolve not to go too often to the library anymore and to fool around there with that person. Help me Father when it is inevitable for me to go there, to fight the temptation to enjoy and encourage his advances. I don't really need his attention Father nor anything coming from him. All I need in my life is my relationship with You and that's all that matters.

Thank You Lord, somehow I am feeling better now. Lord, I am praying for that young man that I saw in the bus yesterday. Lord, I wish I had been more generous and did not think about the cost that I would give up to help. Lord, I pray that that person whoever he was may have a good life and may he get to know You as well. Lord, I am lifting up to You that person. I am also praying for my friends, for Sette and her child and Ynnah and Ianne as well that they may get to know You also. Lord, transform my life and make it a blessing for them so that I can get to pull them towards You. But Lord, send me people also to help me grow and be accountable with as I walk with You.

Father, thank You very much for all Your blessings. Thank You so much.

Blessy

October 29, 2011

Dear Lord,

I am not feeling well right now. My heart is sad and my spirit is low. I am down. My spirit is grieving. Lord, is this what You call the grieving of the soul for doing what is not right?

Lord, first thing was when I freaked out and shouted at my co-teachers. It was not good. Lord even though I already said sorry to them I still feel so guilty and ashamed of myself. If they were "senior" teachers, would I still do the same?

That was pride and being at out of control at its finest. I just wanted to lash out at anyone yesterday for being frustrated with what was happening. I feel sad about my arrogant attitude. Professing christian and there I was? Indeed, I am feeling this sadness right now.

Then I went to the library again. Of course he was there and i must admit that I am really attracted to him. Lord, I must admit that I enjoy his attention and flirtatious behavior though this is terribly wrong. No wonder I really feel this sadness inside me. I kept on promising that I would not go there from time to time anymore but there I was talking to him, asking him for favors etc., etc.

Lord, I am sorry. There were also lustful thoughts again though I warded them off strongly. I am sorry Father. I am really sorry. Please forgive me and help me to the right path again. I am also sorry Lord if I acted like a complete jerk last night with my co-teachers when we were together..

I am sorry. Really Father.Help me change my ways and help me as I walk my faith. Father, I am still praying for an accountability partner, someone who could help me in my walk with You. I am earnestly praying for more christian friends so that they can lift me up. Thank You Lord. Thank You for convicting my heart and prodding me to change my ways. Thank You Lord. Amen.

October 27, 2011

Dear Lord,

Lord, I am so sorry. Now I know why You have wanted me to "amputate" fully anything or anyone that is hindering me from fully obeying You. Lord, yesterday You know how I enjoyed again that person's attention and how I went again from time to time to that place. Now, thoughts that have something to do with lust are starting to get inside my brain again. Lord, I am so sorry. I just enjoyed the attention he has been giving me. Yet, I must cut it off so that I could walk in purity with You. Lord, help me in this area specially with men. Each time I would meet someone that I have feelings for, I would have thoughts inside me that You know are not good. Lord, help me to treat the men around me with brotherly love and care and not with any flirtatious behavior. Lord, forgive me. You know my actions and the motives of my heart. Please forgive me.

I was also exhilarated last night specially when I looked at the mirror and people told me that I was pretty. Vanity is creeping inside my heart again. Lord, You know I was not used to be called as such until nowadays specially when I lost weight. Lord, please cleanse my heart in this area as well. I don't want to be so vain anymore and if ever I have this beautiful face, may this give You glory and honor always not for me.

Lord, indeed the enemy attacks subtly. He knows the spots.Lord, please give me strength as I have my day to day struggles. Just help me focus on You. Lord, I will just stay in my place, I will stay put there and will not pass by that area. Lord, help me as I make my resolves to just follow You and give honor to You. Thank You Father God. Amen.

October 26, 2011

Dear Lord,

Thank You again for this day. Thank You Lord for reminding me to take away everything that stops me from completely obeying You and causing me to fall over and over again.'

Lord, I am asking now for Your guidance and strength as I go about this day. Help me to fight off any temptation that comes my way. Father, show me the things that I need to "amputate" so that my life will be pleasing in Your sight.

All my life, the devil has deceived me that love is equal to sex. He has drilled that thought into my brain. Lord, thank You as I look back and remember everything that happened to me in the past, I would like to thank You and show You my gratitude for saving me and for helping me get out of those gutter-like moments. Thank You,Father.
Now, all I want is to obey You and to follow You. To just simply live my life for You and take away everything in me that puts myself first. Father God, I am not going to be complacent. Help me for today, to fight off every temptation and to live according to how You have always wanted me to live it. Thank You Lord, amen.

October 25, 2011

Dear Lord,

I want to thank You for the grace You have been giving me as regards my sexual purity struggles. Lord, I can feel the changes in me and I thank You for those. Yet Lord, there is another area I haven't yet fully submitted to You until now.

Lord, I want to thank You for helping me lose a significant amount of weight. Thank You very much for this leaner body that I have. Yet Lord, something is happening to me everyday. I noticed that I have been consuming again and eating lots of sweets and other calorie-laden, trans fat- filled foodies that are not good for the body. I am trying to compensate by moving a lot and exercising. Lord, exercise is helpful but so is proper dieting. Lord, it seems like I am losing my control again when food is involved.

Lord, I am giving up to You this area of my life. I know there is a deeper longing inside me that needs to be fulfilled that is why I have been using food as my comfort. Lord, help me and please be the One to fill me up each day.

Lord, please help me gain a proper perspective on food. Help me to control my cravings and help me to eat healthy again. Lord, I offer You this struggle of mine. Help me Lord, Amen.

October 24, 2011

Dear Lord,

I am tempted to compromise. Compromise with my job, with the TOS and the scores of the children. Lord, I don't want to those things. Because of my folly, here I am trying to find my way out. Help me Father. Because of the wrong decisions and actions I made and did in the past, I am getting the consequences now. Help me Father.

Lord, thank You so much for this day. Help me Lord as I go about this day. Lord, I lift up to You my family, my father, mother and all my siblings, my uncle and our dogs that You always please take care of them. Be with them in every way.

Lord, I am also praying for my friends, for Daisy that You please take good care of her in her job and bless her in every way. May You also answer her prayers and give her the desires of her heart.

Lord, I am also praying for that wonderful person whoever he is Lord. Please always take good care of him and love him. Protect him as well. Lord, I know soon we will meet but not in my time but in Your time. You always know better than I.

May this day become a blessing not just to me but to others as well.

Thank You again Lord for this life. Amen.

October 23, 2011

Dear Lord,

Lord, I just woke up with this feeling of sadness again. Father, I don't know why. I just could not help it. I am still thinking of that special person, who he is or does he really exist. I am sad because until now, I haven't yet found him. Or he has not yet found me or will we ever find each other.

Lord, I am sad because other girls yesterday while we were in the mall, I saw that they were with their partners while I was with my mom. I enjoyed my time with mom but still I felt this longing, this insecurity inside that until now, no one has yet found me. I have been trying to make myself beautiful and attractive to no avail. No one has even a crush on me.

Lord, help me with this feeling now. I don't want to feel this sense of inadequacy now. Lord, may not this negative emotion hinder me from serving You well and may not this become a reason for me to act stupidly and make a fool out of myself again.

Lord, for the millionth time, I will still ask You, "Am I really going to get married or will I be living a life of singlehood?" I just want to know Father. Lord, whatever Your answer will be, help me Lord to accept them and just live in them with thankfulness and contentment. Lord, may You also help me as I struggle with thoughts about lovelife. Help me, Father. Amen.

October 22, 2011

Dear Lord,

You know what is happening in our family right now. All because of what our father did. And because I was not so careful hiding it. Everything indeed will come to light and now it badly hurt our mother.

I don't know Lord how to ease her pain but Lord I am not You so You are the only One who can do it for her. Help my parents Lord. Heal and restore their badly and severely damage relationship. Help them Lord to work things out and work in them too.

Father, You don't want discord nor division in the family. This is our struggle. Lord, just help my parents. Help them. I am sad yet I know I can easily turn to You for wisdom and for strength. Help my family. Restore my family. Work in the hearts of my parents, in Jesus' name.

Thank You Lord. I thank You for Your forgiveness. Forgive me Father for all the wrong things I said yesterday, for being so talkative that almost a huge percent of the words that came out of my mouth did not glorify You. I am accountable to my words and there's no one to blame but me. I am sorry. Also, I am sorry for making a fool out of myself with my crush who You know is an unbeliever. I need to receive some slap on the head. But of course, You are not resorting to that. Lord, help me to fight over that sin and flee from that temptation.

Thank You Lord for touching my heart today. I lift up to You this day and the things that I will do.

Help me to use and manage my time and energy wisely today. Amen.