November 17, 2011

Dear Father,

Thank You again for this lovely morning. Lord, I am sorry for all the mistakes I made yesterday.For the bad words I said and the wrong and impure thoughts that I had.

Lord, I was so sad yesterday and uneasy for what happened. I learned my lesson again the hard way but the good thing is I know my friends would understand. Lord, I was such a fool to jump into conclusion that he would actually walk with me. That he would actually be with me last night. Foolish me, I already told everyone about it. Now, I have to face and explain everything to them for definitely they will ask me. Lord, I was just trying to open myself up to other people and possibilities. Why does my lovelife have to end always this way? Negative, zero, nada?

Lord, what do I do now? Anyway, good thing we were able to talk until the wee hours of the morning and has finally accepted that maybe things were not meant to work out the way I wanted them to. That he is not really meant to have that special place in my heart and in my life. All I wanted Lord was to give myself a chance, a try to love and be loved by someone. Lord, I lost William before, he is happy now with his ladylove but here I am still searching, still hoping. Sometimes, I cannot help but feel so pathetic and probably there is really something wrong with me.

Lord, I am so tired. I am so tired of the false alarms. I have lost too much time and equilibrium these past few days because of what happened. How in the course of a week, my life would turn upside down again. I am so sad. I feel ugly, I feel bad about myself. Lord, forgive me if I feel this way. I just could not help it.

I feel like I am already at the dead end. There is no way out for me anymore. I feel suffocated, I wanted to jump off the big wall. Lord, all I want is to have my own family, to be with my husband and to take care of our family. Lord, I have been praying for this since time immemorial. Sometimes, I am already losing hope already. No matter how hard I try.

Anyway Lord, good thing I became disillusioned already before I completely lost my mind. That I was awaken from this high feeling and emotion. But I feel so crushed. Brokenhearted and utterly jaded.

I am just tired Lord. Really and honestly tired. I want to rest my heart for a long while. I have been wounding this fragile part of me mercilessly for the past 20 years already. It needs time to heal. Lord, please repair again my broken heart, lift up again my low self-esteem and bring my spirit back to life again.

Lord, just like before I know You have Your reasons why. Whatever they may, I hope to see and understand them in Your own sweet and beautiful time. Lord, help me to put more of my trust in You.

Lord, thank You so much. I surrender my broken heart and crushed spirit to You. Amen.