Insecurities Again Part Three

Dear Lord, (November 18, 2011)

I think I will be able to create a series and even a book with the title "Insecurities: Here and Beyond". I am still feeling this insecurity in me. I felt so rejected by someone. You know who that person is Lord but then I cannot be angry with him for everything was entirely my fault.

Father, I already started to create images and fantasies about him. I would also dream about him from time to time. I must admit that in a short time, I got infatuated with him and have gotten this huge crush on him. But I must control my emotions now for they just get me nowhere.

Lord, I feel so insecure towards my sister. She has always been the one so beautiful, the one who easily gets noticed. Lord, You know how I feel about myself. I am having such a low, way so below sea level self esteem right now. I was already thinking that maybe because I was not pretty enough, thin enough and fair-skinned enough for someone would like me and eventually love me. Lord, each time I would see couples holding hands, couples who have their own families and children I could not help but feel envious. Lord, You know my being and acting smart all the time, my being intellectually arrogant most of the time were just fronts so that someone would see me in that strength. Physical beauty is not really one of my strongest points. I feel so low right now, Father. Lord, I do not want to be alone. I also want to close to someone, someone who I can call my bestfriend, someone I can be intimate with, mind, body, heart and soul. But my world Lord. Where does it evolve? I feel like I am already at the dead end again.

Lord, I want to feel cherished and made to feel like a real lady and woman by a man. Lord, I am just being honest with my desires and longings. I am so sorry Lord if I feel that way.If I even silently prayed that You just take my life if I am going to live it as a single person. Lord, I am so sorry. Really, I am.

Let me handle my situation and my emotions right now in Your wisdom and strength. I know the enemy is attacking me severely right now for I am doing the right thing. Just give me the strength Lord.

Lord, please, I am begging You, I want to have a family of my own. A complete family with me as the mother, then there is the father and we will have our own children. Lord, deep inside. this is all what I have always wanted. I want to become a mother, a wife and someone's life partner.

Lord, You are the only One whom I can tell all these things about. I cannot share these with anyone except You. My heart is in pain and wreck right now. Heal me, Father.

Lord, I know that You are seeing my tears right now. I know that You are here beside me and comforting me. Let me just make the tears flow freely. I have been keeping them all bottled up inside. I just want to let my feelings, my emotions out.

Father, I know that You listen and You understand. Just please help me cope with this. Whatever Your will Lord shall be done. I will just trust in You and will just hold on to You more specially during this emotional turmoil that I am having right now.

Thank You so much again, Father. Amen.