July 1, 2012

Dear Lord, Lord, You know what is going on with me right now. Forgive me. Forgive me for everything that I have done. For having impure thoughts inside my head, for thinking of that person in a very impure and evil way, forgive me for being so vain, so selfish and so self-centered. Lord, I am sorry. I tried to open my heart to him, I tried to be close to him but nothing happened. As much as I would want to like him deeper, as much as I would want to be with him, I can't. I don't want to be unfair to him. He deserves more than I could give him.He is Your son and You love him. Father, I must admit.I still have feelings for Ryan. I still long for him, I still want to see him. But I know it is wrong. He is not a christian and he does not like me that way. I really feel bad. I cannot choose between the two of them because if I would choose the former, I would just hurt him and other people also who have become close to me. If I would choose the latter, I would also get hurt. Lord, I am just protecting my heart. Forgive me if I was not able to protect his heart. If I was so bad to him, if I hurt him. Father, I am really sorry. I am so sad right now instead of being happy. I just listened to my heart's desire, I just followed my own foolishness. Father, all I want is to be content in You. To be with You and to have a relationship with You. That's all. I want to be simple, I want to be more humble. I know these past few days and months, I have become like such an egoistic bitch. Forgive me, Lord. Father, Jeff is a good person. Yet, he does not have much confidence in him. He has a low self-esteem. Father, I pray that You may also deal with him as You have dealt with me. Help him also in his life. May he find direction and may he have a good vision, a higher vision for his life and his future. As for Ryan, I am still praying for his salvation. Lord, please take good care of him. Lord, he may not be the one for me, he may not be the one You will give me but I am still praying for a good and godly life for him. As for me, I am praying that I may realign my focus again. That I may not be distracted anymore. That I may not be defeated by the enemy anymore in certain areas. Lord, may my vision for my future become clearer for me as the days will pass. And Lord, I am still praying for the right person. For that person who can be with me and I with him as we serve You. I will wait for him. I will wait for him indeed. Father, thank You so much. Thank You for giving me lovely friends. And may I be a light in their world again. Thank You so much. Amen.

Hurt But Not Totally Broken

Dear Lord, Good morning. I just want to pour out all my heart to You. You know what I am going through right now. I am feeling this pain, this hurt and honestly I just want to cry, to shout and to slap someone. I am just done with the first, I cannot do yet the next and I could not do the last one. For doing it will just aggravate the situation. Father, I don't want to say "if only". I don't want to cry over spilled milk nor mull over any wrong action done by me. They were finished already and all I am left to do is to move on. Father, I have decided to just live my life the way it was, before them, before him. I was just actually trying to manipulate You thinking You would eventually transform him and he would become a nice, good and loving Christian boyfriend and eventually husband to me. I was so blinded by my emotions that I had to be "hit" again just to wake up from my delusions. Father, yes, he may not have courted me but just like the typical, egoistic, chauvinist pig, worldly man that he is, he misled me with his words. I was so carried away by the words that he said I thought he also liked me. Father, I was so misunderstood by the people around us. I want to explain my side of the story but I know they will never understand. And what's the use? I have realized that at the end of the day, their opinions do not really matter let alone make sense to me at all. Father, I will just put everything into Your hands. I will entrust everything to You. Just please shield me from that cruel person. Help me to use Your given wisdom and lovely mind to stay away from him and not be affected by his advances. Father, You know my weaknesses and in them, You will become strong. Thank You for making me realize that I need to love myself more. To care for it more and to nurture my mind, my heart especially this heart that has been deceiving me for a long time already. Please transform it and make it to be more like Yours. Thank You also for making me realize that I need to just let my free spirit fly for You have given me such a wonderful and blithe one. I do not have to suppress it just to be accepted and loved. Just to be wanted. I am me, warts and all. And since You have accepted and loved me the way I am then I am to be like this until we meet there in heaven. But You also remind me to always have room for improvement in case there are rough edges to be straightened out. Father, thank You. Thank You for despite of my pain and my severely wounded and damaged pride, You are there. This ugly thing will become beautiful. You will turn these ashes into beauty. I know. Because You have been doing that in my life since day one. Father, even though that person hurt me, I am still praying for him. He just does not know You and does not have a good relationship with You that's why. I am praying for his salvation even if he is not going to be my husband. Anyway in some ways though he brought me such pain and humiliation, he also helped me to become a matured and better person. A stronger and wiser one. For these things, I am thankful You sent him my way. But with him in my life, everything stops there. Father, thank You so much. Help me to understand Your words this morning. And help me to live by them. Thank You so much, Lord. Amen.