July 1, 2012

Dear Lord, Lord, You know what is going on with me right now. Forgive me. Forgive me for everything that I have done. For having impure thoughts inside my head, for thinking of that person in a very impure and evil way, forgive me for being so vain, so selfish and so self-centered. Lord, I am sorry. I tried to open my heart to him, I tried to be close to him but nothing happened. As much as I would want to like him deeper, as much as I would want to be with him, I can't. I don't want to be unfair to him. He deserves more than I could give him.He is Your son and You love him. Father, I must admit.I still have feelings for Ryan. I still long for him, I still want to see him. But I know it is wrong. He is not a christian and he does not like me that way. I really feel bad. I cannot choose between the two of them because if I would choose the former, I would just hurt him and other people also who have become close to me. If I would choose the latter, I would also get hurt. Lord, I am just protecting my heart. Forgive me if I was not able to protect his heart. If I was so bad to him, if I hurt him. Father, I am really sorry. I am so sad right now instead of being happy. I just listened to my heart's desire, I just followed my own foolishness. Father, all I want is to be content in You. To be with You and to have a relationship with You. That's all. I want to be simple, I want to be more humble. I know these past few days and months, I have become like such an egoistic bitch. Forgive me, Lord. Father, Jeff is a good person. Yet, he does not have much confidence in him. He has a low self-esteem. Father, I pray that You may also deal with him as You have dealt with me. Help him also in his life. May he find direction and may he have a good vision, a higher vision for his life and his future. As for Ryan, I am still praying for his salvation. Lord, please take good care of him. Lord, he may not be the one for me, he may not be the one You will give me but I am still praying for a good and godly life for him. As for me, I am praying that I may realign my focus again. That I may not be distracted anymore. That I may not be defeated by the enemy anymore in certain areas. Lord, may my vision for my future become clearer for me as the days will pass. And Lord, I am still praying for the right person. For that person who can be with me and I with him as we serve You. I will wait for him. I will wait for him indeed. Father, thank You so much. Thank You for giving me lovely friends. And may I be a light in their world again. Thank You so much. Amen.