February 7, 2012, Tuesday

Dear Lord,

My heart is still racked with guilt until now. Whenever I would think about and look at YT, I really feel guilty and ashamed. Ashamed of what I did, ashamed of my stupid ans senseless decisions that led me to fall back into that sinful behavior. All because I rebelled to You, got mad at You for not answering my prayers rights away, right now.

I must say that I still have that desire in me, the desire to have my own family, to have my own little babies. I felt a pang of envy yesterday as Sir Francis talked about his little girl. As he said goodbye to his little girl while he was on his way to work. I also want to feel that way. To say goodbye to my little child as I go to work. To go home and cuddle that little angel in my arms and to be his or her mother. I want to spend my life nurturing little ones, my own little ones. Lord, whenever I would see babies, I would really feel this envy inside me. I have always wanted to have children of my own.

But I just don't want to adopt. I also want to experience having my own babies. To make them with my own husband, to have them inside my tummy and to eventually give birth to them. Father, I am already 28 years old. This was the age that my mother gave birth to me. Father, I know You can see what is inside my heart. Deep inside I am sad for when all things come right down in my life, it is really having a family of my own that I really want and long to have.

But I don't know. I don't know.You are still working in my life. You are still doing something in my life right now. Whatever that is, all I need to do is just be still and watch. And of course, do my own thing. Whoever that person is that You are going to give me for a husband, only You know who.

In this area of my life, all I need to do is simply trust in You and just be more faithful. And learn not to do things my own way. Honestly, I have someone in mind, You know who but then I cannot hope for that person. Only You can tell. My mother keeps on telling me that he is a "violation" in my life if ever I would still push through with him. I know that, Father. And I cannot pray for his salvation just for my own convenience and pleasure. I will pray for him because You love him and because He needs You, not that I need him nor he needs me. Who am I to even just assume of that?

Anyway Lord, I still have a long way to travel in life. I still have many things to learn and to see. I just pray that if he is not Your will for me, take away my feelings for him and let me see who is the right one. Show him to me Lord so that my eyes will stop wandering already. Let You be my guide as I cross paths with that lovely person who is my husband to be.

Father, thank You so much for everything. Thank You for the lessons learned, thank You for redeeming me back. May I learn something again this morning and may I able to make and finish my lesson plan for VE. Father, also please take good care of our dad as he works again in the ship. I pray Lord that there will be a time that he will stop working there and just be with us here enjoying his retirement.

Lord, fix my life. Help me clean up my mess. Lord, if it is Your will for me to stay in Victory Alabang, then so be it. May I be able to say goodbye properly to those who are in Victory Imus. I will surely miss them of course.

Father, thank You very much for everything. Let me understand the things that I need to understand today. Thank You Lord. Amen.

February 6, 2012, Monday

Dear Lord,

It has been a long time since I was "sober". Forgive me for ever saying those things to You let alone thinking that way about You. Thinking You were cruel and bad and enjoyed torturing me. I was so mean for even thinking about You that way. I am sorry.

I am sorry for I viewed pornography again. I feel so shameful to the point of hating myself. I must admit I enjoyed the sensations it gave me but afterwards, I felt dirty, I felt disgust towards me, I felt so far away from You. Yet, You have been doing things in my life to collect me altogether and bring me back to You.

Help me to do things right this time. Help me to just follow You and keep Your Word in my heart and mind. Help me not to do things my own way and yes, believe, firmly believe that You are doing things in my life right now though I don't see them for my eyes are of human and only You could ever tell.

Thank You for bringing me back to You. Thank You for reminding me of Your love and for forgiving me.

Lord, things are happening in my life right now. May they be for the best and for the good of those around me. Amen.