Dear Lord,
I guess I have been looking for love all from the wrong places. I have been trying to be perfect, to be good and to be almost too good to be true so that I would be loved. I would be accepted. I would be the right person for that person. But what I have been doing has been depleting me emotionally, mentally, physically, financially and most of all spiritually.
All because I have always wanted to be loved. But I have been wrong. I have neglected You, I have taken You for granted, I have abandoned You again and worst, I have disobeyed You in so many ways. I am sorry. I am really.
I just need time to be alone. To be just with myself and to just be still. I must admit that part of what is happening to me right now is the fact that all the others have their own special someone William and the others have found their loves while here I am still waiting in vain to be noticed and to be loved by someone. It is as if You have really forgotten that aspect of my life already. It is as if nothing will ever happen to me in that area of my life. I am so sad Lord. Really. Most people around me are getting hitched forming a family of their own while here I am, still waiting, still longing.I feel so pathetic I want to scream.
What do I do now, Father? What must I do? I don't know what to do. I have tried everything but nothing happens. What do I do?
Thursday, January 26, 2012
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
January 26, 2012, Thursday
Dear Lord,
I guess I really need to go back now. I will bloom where I was planted. I cannot deny it and could never do but You planted me there. I had my roots there. I just uprooted myself. I thought I did the right things. I thought I had it all together when I transferred from one church to another. Yet, in the end You will always lead me back there. Where I was used and utilized fully. Where I could do what I have always loved. I traveled my own road for almost two years, I did things my own way. Yet, I just woke up again with this restlessness inside me, this desire to go back there. I still have my justifications, I still have my apprehensions but that is where real faith comes in. I am sorry if I had been such a fool. If I rebelled against You. I am sorry for the foul things that I said causing others to stumble. I am sorry. I think I really must now obey You this time.
To each is his own journey. I have my own journey. Father, I will obey now. I will go back there now. Yes, I will still be true to my commitment there but I will start attending COP again. This Sunday I will. I will.
As soon as possible.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT
I will do this now. This is going to be a leap of faith. God will takeover and will direct my path now. I will obey now. I will.
I guess I really need to go back now. I will bloom where I was planted. I cannot deny it and could never do but You planted me there. I had my roots there. I just uprooted myself. I thought I did the right things. I thought I had it all together when I transferred from one church to another. Yet, in the end You will always lead me back there. Where I was used and utilized fully. Where I could do what I have always loved. I traveled my own road for almost two years, I did things my own way. Yet, I just woke up again with this restlessness inside me, this desire to go back there. I still have my justifications, I still have my apprehensions but that is where real faith comes in. I am sorry if I had been such a fool. If I rebelled against You. I am sorry for the foul things that I said causing others to stumble. I am sorry. I think I really must now obey You this time.
To each is his own journey. I have my own journey. Father, I will obey now. I will go back there now. Yes, I will still be true to my commitment there but I will start attending COP again. This Sunday I will. I will.
As soon as possible.
Trust in the LORD with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and He will show you which path to take. Proverbs 3:5-6 NLT
I will do this now. This is going to be a leap of faith. God will takeover and will direct my path now. I will obey now. I will.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
January 25, 2012 Wednesday
Dear Lord,
Lord, I gave in to lust again last night. Father, You know what? Sometimes I have this feeling that I am being left out already.You are leaving me out.
Most of my friends they have an improving love life while me? None. Zero. Nada. I am asking myself what is wrong with me? I know I am not ugly but nothing happens. Nothing. This makes me so sad and inside feeling unwanted.
Lord, I also want to have a family of my own. Is it hard to give? Sometimes I have this feeling that You don't care for me at all, You enjoy torturing me and You just want me to suffer. I am so sorry that I am telling You all of these for they are really how I feel.
I don't know. I don't really know.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9 NLT-
I am sorry for my words. Yet, I guess You would not have me say them in any other way. You just want me to be honest with how I feel. Father, Your thoughts, Your plans are way so different and far from what I could possibly imagine nor plan for myself. Just help me as I realize them. I cannot do them all alone. Forgive me if I tried to quench my sadness and fear by excessive eating and by giving in to imagining sexual thoughts and gratifying myself. I am sorry.
Just lead me Lord. Lead me.
Lord, I gave in to lust again last night. Father, You know what? Sometimes I have this feeling that I am being left out already.You are leaving me out.
Most of my friends they have an improving love life while me? None. Zero. Nada. I am asking myself what is wrong with me? I know I am not ugly but nothing happens. Nothing. This makes me so sad and inside feeling unwanted.
Lord, I also want to have a family of my own. Is it hard to give? Sometimes I have this feeling that You don't care for me at all, You enjoy torturing me and You just want me to suffer. I am so sorry that I am telling You all of these for they are really how I feel.
I don't know. I don't really know.
“My thoughts are nothing like your thoughts,” says the LORD. “And my ways are far beyond anything you could imagine.For just as the heavens are higher than the earth,so my ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts higher than your thoughts." -Isaiah 55:8-9 NLT-
I am sorry for my words. Yet, I guess You would not have me say them in any other way. You just want me to be honest with how I feel. Father, Your thoughts, Your plans are way so different and far from what I could possibly imagine nor plan for myself. Just help me as I realize them. I cannot do them all alone. Forgive me if I tried to quench my sadness and fear by excessive eating and by giving in to imagining sexual thoughts and gratifying myself. I am sorry.
Just lead me Lord. Lead me.
Monday, January 23, 2012
January 24, 2012, Tuesday
Dear Lord,
I did it again. I watched again those pornographic films, I gratified myself sexually, I substituted trash from the real thing again. All because I wanted to be held and loved by a man. I have my longings inside. I gave in again to the enemy's scheme and trap.
Father, I am starting over again with the Way of Purity course in Setting Captives Free. I pray that I will be able to continue it until I finish it. Please father, kindly deal with me in this sexual impurity issue in my life. If I need to confess this to someone, show me who that person is and please guide me as I tell that person everything. Show me Father who that person is for I really need to confess this sin and make that person my accountability partner. Father, please give me wisdom on this. I really cannot do this all alone. Help me.
Thank You for not giving me peace. Thank You for tugging at my heart and for bugging me. I know that was Your way of bringing me back to You. Thank You Father God. Forgive me. Forgive me for everything and yes, teach me more to be more dependent on You in every area of my life. Amen.
I did it again. I watched again those pornographic films, I gratified myself sexually, I substituted trash from the real thing again. All because I wanted to be held and loved by a man. I have my longings inside. I gave in again to the enemy's scheme and trap.
Father, I am starting over again with the Way of Purity course in Setting Captives Free. I pray that I will be able to continue it until I finish it. Please father, kindly deal with me in this sexual impurity issue in my life. If I need to confess this to someone, show me who that person is and please guide me as I tell that person everything. Show me Father who that person is for I really need to confess this sin and make that person my accountability partner. Father, please give me wisdom on this. I really cannot do this all alone. Help me.
Thank You for not giving me peace. Thank You for tugging at my heart and for bugging me. I know that was Your way of bringing me back to You. Thank You Father God. Forgive me. Forgive me for everything and yes, teach me more to be more dependent on You in every area of my life. Amen.
Friday, January 20, 2012
January 21, 2012
Dear Lord,
I screwed up again. This week has been such a spiritual mess to me. I had been flirting with sin. I had been acting like a shameless fool who was just so hungry for attention. I had been playing with fire again and I had been exposing my heart and my soul to danger. Now, look what these stupidities and bad decisions have gotten me into.
There's no justification for my actions. I just had been a fool and I took for granted Your reminders and that big shout that You gave into my ears almost three months ago. 2 Corinthians 6:14. I am so sorry. My mind had been the devil's playground again, my mouth had been so foul. I engaged in gossips last night, I even bad-mouthed other people, I lied, I sad things I should not have said, I thought about dirty thoughts, I may be a virgin physically but mentally, I had been so promiscuous even the MTRCB would not be able to handle it if ever they would be able to have a peek on my mind. All because I flirted with him, with sin and I honestly enjoyed his advances which of course have not in any way done me any good at all.
Even in my closest relationships. The closest Christian person to me is Daisy only who I seldom see and get to interact with. Most of the time I am saturated by the world. What do I do? What do I do?
"Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14 NLT
This is the answer. But to whom would I turn to? To whom would I go to? I need to have more Christian friends. I need many of Your people to lift me up for I feel all alone in this battle. That man will never do me any good. He will never be good for me.
"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." James 4:7 NLT
Humble myself. To admit my mistakes, not to justify them and ask God for grace to transform my heart. Resist means to oppose somebody or be against something. My life right now to be honest is God-resisting with all my actions and my behavior. That's why the enemy has been able to take hold of something in me. Yet, this one should be the verse of my day to day existence. To go against what the enemy has been trying to feed into my mind and to put inside my heart. Father, I cannot do this alone. I need Your help. Your help and Your strength for me to overcome the enemy who has been constantly attacking me. He has always wanted me to believe that I can gratify myself sexually, that a little flirting with those men won't hurt, that a small lie even a white one won't hurt, that to compromise is okay, that to talk and talk and act like a fool is okay and acceptable. That I am not good and beautiful enough to be loved my someone. The one who You will give me. I feel sorry for that man for I had been exposing my heart to danger probably wounding this in the end. I don't want to give that man a badly scarred let alone wounded heart when You finally give him to me. I am so sorry Lord. Help me to become more faithful to You and yes, to him even if I still do not know him yet.
"She brings him good, not harm all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12 NLT
All the days of her life means past, present and future. My past had been such a mess but I still have my present and future to offer. Especially I have my present. This time is my opportunity to improve myself more and be the woman he has been praying for. I will be good to him meaning no flirting anymore, no senseless involvement of my emotion and useless investment of my heart, soul and time. No more so when finally God will give him to me, I am a whole person, unblemished and pure.
This is for God my Master and my Father and my future husband who will also be my caretaker in the future. I will take good care of myself for him.
Father, I am really sorry. Lead me back to You. Lead me back. I was the one who went astray. Lead me back again. Amen.
I screwed up again. This week has been such a spiritual mess to me. I had been flirting with sin. I had been acting like a shameless fool who was just so hungry for attention. I had been playing with fire again and I had been exposing my heart and my soul to danger. Now, look what these stupidities and bad decisions have gotten me into.
There's no justification for my actions. I just had been a fool and I took for granted Your reminders and that big shout that You gave into my ears almost three months ago. 2 Corinthians 6:14. I am so sorry. My mind had been the devil's playground again, my mouth had been so foul. I engaged in gossips last night, I even bad-mouthed other people, I lied, I sad things I should not have said, I thought about dirty thoughts, I may be a virgin physically but mentally, I had been so promiscuous even the MTRCB would not be able to handle it if ever they would be able to have a peek on my mind. All because I flirted with him, with sin and I honestly enjoyed his advances which of course have not in any way done me any good at all.
Even in my closest relationships. The closest Christian person to me is Daisy only who I seldom see and get to interact with. Most of the time I am saturated by the world. What do I do? What do I do?
"Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14 NLT
This is the answer. But to whom would I turn to? To whom would I go to? I need to have more Christian friends. I need many of Your people to lift me up for I feel all alone in this battle. That man will never do me any good. He will never be good for me.
"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." James 4:7 NLT
Humble myself. To admit my mistakes, not to justify them and ask God for grace to transform my heart. Resist means to oppose somebody or be against something. My life right now to be honest is God-resisting with all my actions and my behavior. That's why the enemy has been able to take hold of something in me. Yet, this one should be the verse of my day to day existence. To go against what the enemy has been trying to feed into my mind and to put inside my heart. Father, I cannot do this alone. I need Your help. Your help and Your strength for me to overcome the enemy who has been constantly attacking me. He has always wanted me to believe that I can gratify myself sexually, that a little flirting with those men won't hurt, that a small lie even a white one won't hurt, that to compromise is okay, that to talk and talk and act like a fool is okay and acceptable. That I am not good and beautiful enough to be loved my someone. The one who You will give me. I feel sorry for that man for I had been exposing my heart to danger probably wounding this in the end. I don't want to give that man a badly scarred let alone wounded heart when You finally give him to me. I am so sorry Lord. Help me to become more faithful to You and yes, to him even if I still do not know him yet.
"She brings him good, not harm all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12 NLT
All the days of her life means past, present and future. My past had been such a mess but I still have my present and future to offer. Especially I have my present. This time is my opportunity to improve myself more and be the woman he has been praying for. I will be good to him meaning no flirting anymore, no senseless involvement of my emotion and useless investment of my heart, soul and time. No more so when finally God will give him to me, I am a whole person, unblemished and pure.
This is for God my Master and my Father and my future husband who will also be my caretaker in the future. I will take good care of myself for him.
Father, I am really sorry. Lead me back to You. Lead me back. I was the one who went astray. Lead me back again. Amen.
Saturday, January 14, 2012
January 15, 2012 Sunday
Dear Lord,
Father, You know what I am going through right now. I have thoughts inside my head again that give me insecurity and inferiority complex. The feelings that actually make me question my worth as a person and as a lady.
Father, You know how I feel when I saw that girl he courted. I am thinking that probably they are still communicating, that he likes her so much primarily because of her physical appearance. Of course, she is the typical "peaches and cream" type, mestiza looking girl that this Filipino society especially the males adore. I am not sure anyway, maybe these thoughts were unfounded but I just could not help it. I really like him Lord but actually he depletes my emotional reserves unknowingly. Or probably it is I who does it to me because of my unfounded thoughts.
I am sorry Lord. I am sorry. I think I failed You again. Yet, thank You for reminding me how much You love me and You care for me. I fell again into sin's temptation yesterday. All because of how I feel and how I think.
Father, I am sorry if I tried to measure up my worth and myself according to his standards. I thought that I was not good enough all because I thought the way I perceive he thinks. I think it is also illogical and unreasonable for me to think of him that way. I think all I need to do is not to care whether he likes me or not. I will still pray for him but my emotions will remain at bay.
Father, I cannot do this all alone. The enemy is indeed attacking me at my weakest. I think Father, You still have to deal with me more in this area of my life. About physical appearance. Yes, Father they do matter but they are not that important especially when it comes to being with someone and sharing my life with another person. It is still the heart that matters at the end of the day.
Which is something that I have to cultivate. As well as my mind. Thank You Father God for the mental exercise I was exposed to yesterday. Makes me want to think and ponder on what will be the best topic for research for me to undertake.
Thank You Father God. I am a woman of worth. I am the woman You are molding me to become who You want me to be. I guess I have been looking at myself through other people's eyes that's why they hurt. Like the eyeglasses that do not fit them, they would really hurt and damage the eyes in the long run. Yet, if I will just practice myself looking at myself through Your eyes, then things will appear to me differently. For my eyes are originally made to fit into Yours. I just don't wear them most of the time.
Father, I am beautiful. My nose may not be that pristine one, but I have lovely eyes. Eyes that could look with love and affection for others. I also have a nice set of teeth and a heart-shaped lips. I can use them to smile sincerely to others and brighten up someone else's day. I also have an olive skin complexion. Not so white, not so dark. Just enough. The complexion western beauties are dying to have. Ironic, Father. We adore white skin here in this country while millions of dollars are spent abroad by women who want to have the skin that we already naturally possess. My goodness! Talk about the futility of human vanity and discontentment.
I will just be comfortable with myself. I know Father that the man that You will give me, the man I am going to share and spend the rest of my life with will be attracted to me in and out. That man will find me cute regardless of what the white-skin loving, Filipino society says. Eventually, that man will fall in love with me because I have a beautiful and lovely soul. A soul that is just connected and dependent on You alone for self-esteem and survival.
Thank You Father. Amen.
Father, You know what I am going through right now. I have thoughts inside my head again that give me insecurity and inferiority complex. The feelings that actually make me question my worth as a person and as a lady.
Father, You know how I feel when I saw that girl he courted. I am thinking that probably they are still communicating, that he likes her so much primarily because of her physical appearance. Of course, she is the typical "peaches and cream" type, mestiza looking girl that this Filipino society especially the males adore. I am not sure anyway, maybe these thoughts were unfounded but I just could not help it. I really like him Lord but actually he depletes my emotional reserves unknowingly. Or probably it is I who does it to me because of my unfounded thoughts.
I am sorry Lord. I am sorry. I think I failed You again. Yet, thank You for reminding me how much You love me and You care for me. I fell again into sin's temptation yesterday. All because of how I feel and how I think.
Father, I am sorry if I tried to measure up my worth and myself according to his standards. I thought that I was not good enough all because I thought the way I perceive he thinks. I think it is also illogical and unreasonable for me to think of him that way. I think all I need to do is not to care whether he likes me or not. I will still pray for him but my emotions will remain at bay.
Father, I cannot do this all alone. The enemy is indeed attacking me at my weakest. I think Father, You still have to deal with me more in this area of my life. About physical appearance. Yes, Father they do matter but they are not that important especially when it comes to being with someone and sharing my life with another person. It is still the heart that matters at the end of the day.
Which is something that I have to cultivate. As well as my mind. Thank You Father God for the mental exercise I was exposed to yesterday. Makes me want to think and ponder on what will be the best topic for research for me to undertake.
Thank You Father God. I am a woman of worth. I am the woman You are molding me to become who You want me to be. I guess I have been looking at myself through other people's eyes that's why they hurt. Like the eyeglasses that do not fit them, they would really hurt and damage the eyes in the long run. Yet, if I will just practice myself looking at myself through Your eyes, then things will appear to me differently. For my eyes are originally made to fit into Yours. I just don't wear them most of the time.
Father, I am beautiful. My nose may not be that pristine one, but I have lovely eyes. Eyes that could look with love and affection for others. I also have a nice set of teeth and a heart-shaped lips. I can use them to smile sincerely to others and brighten up someone else's day. I also have an olive skin complexion. Not so white, not so dark. Just enough. The complexion western beauties are dying to have. Ironic, Father. We adore white skin here in this country while millions of dollars are spent abroad by women who want to have the skin that we already naturally possess. My goodness! Talk about the futility of human vanity and discontentment.
I will just be comfortable with myself. I know Father that the man that You will give me, the man I am going to share and spend the rest of my life with will be attracted to me in and out. That man will find me cute regardless of what the white-skin loving, Filipino society says. Eventually, that man will fall in love with me because I have a beautiful and lovely soul. A soul that is just connected and dependent on You alone for self-esteem and survival.
Thank You Father. Amen.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)