January 21, 2012

Dear Lord,

I screwed up again. This week has been such a spiritual mess to me. I had been flirting with sin. I had been acting like a shameless fool who was just so hungry for attention. I had been playing with fire again and I had been exposing my heart and my soul to danger. Now, look what these stupidities and bad decisions have gotten me into.

There's no justification for my actions. I just had been a fool and I took for granted Your reminders and that big shout that You gave into my ears almost three months ago. 2 Corinthians 6:14. I am so sorry. My mind had been the devil's playground again, my mouth had been so foul. I engaged in gossips last night, I even bad-mouthed other people, I lied, I sad things I should not have said, I thought about dirty thoughts, I may be a virgin physically but mentally, I had been so promiscuous even the MTRCB would not be able to handle it if ever they would be able to have a peek on my mind. All because I flirted with him, with sin and I honestly enjoyed his advances which of course have not in any way done me any good at all.

Even in my closest relationships. The closest Christian person to me is Daisy only who I seldom see and get to interact with. Most of the time I am saturated by the world. What do I do? What do I do?

"Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness?" 2 Corinthians 6:14 NLT

This is the answer. But to whom would I turn to? To whom would I go to? I need to have more Christian friends. I need many of Your people to lift me up for I feel all alone in this battle. That man will never do me any good. He will never be good for me.

"So humble yourselves before God. Resist the devil and he will flee from you." James 4:7 NLT

Humble myself. To admit my mistakes, not to justify them and ask God for grace to transform my heart. Resist means to oppose somebody or be against something. My life right now to be honest is God-resisting with all my actions and my behavior. That's why the enemy has been able to take hold of something in me. Yet, this one should be the verse of my day to day existence. To go against what the enemy has been trying to feed into my mind and to put inside my heart. Father, I cannot do this alone. I need Your help. Your help and Your strength for me to overcome the enemy who has been constantly attacking me. He has always wanted me to believe that I can gratify myself sexually, that a little flirting with those men won't hurt, that a small lie even a white one won't hurt, that to compromise is okay, that to talk and talk and act like a fool is okay and acceptable. That I am not good and beautiful enough to be loved my someone. The one who You will give me. I feel sorry for that man for I had been exposing my heart to danger probably wounding this in the end. I don't want to give that man a badly scarred let alone wounded heart when You finally give him to me. I am so sorry Lord. Help me to become more faithful to You and yes, to him even if I still do not know him yet.

"She brings him good, not harm all the days of her life." Proverbs 31:12 NLT

All the days of her life means past, present and future. My past had been such a mess but I still have my present and future to offer. Especially I have my present. This time is my opportunity to improve myself more and be the woman he has been praying for. I will be good to him meaning no flirting anymore, no senseless involvement of my emotion and useless investment of my heart, soul and time. No more so when finally God will give him to me, I am a whole person, unblemished and pure.

This is for God my Master and my Father and my future husband who will also be my caretaker in the future. I will take good care of myself for him.

Father, I am really sorry. Lead me back to You. Lead me back. I was the one who went astray. Lead me back again. Amen.