Becoming Abusive

Dear Lord,

I have been abusing my boyfriend. He has been enduring my mood swings, my threats and everything for the past four months already.

I always wanted him to tell me where he is and what he is doing. I sometimes verbally abuse him and do things that a christian woman should not do.

Forgive me for not honoring my fiance. Forgive me if I have become so controlling and so abusive to him.

Lord, help me to bless him. And love him truly. Help me.

My bad treatment of him is rooted from the abuses I have had in the past. From the abandonment that I experienced from my own father to the sexual abuses I experienced from my grandfathers and the emotionally and sexually abusive relationships I had in the past. Lord, help me to forgive those people so that I can enjoy my relationship now.

With a man who lacks much finances but who has a big heart and soul.

Lord, I want to become a blessing to him and to our future family together. Help me. Help me overcome myself.

Lord, may You send someone who can help me with my issues. I want to become vulnerable and soft. I want to trust You with all my heart and I also want to trust him.

Lord, reveal the other areas in me that You need to cut.

I thought that giving him sexual favors will make him happy for that was what I believed deep inside me. For some men in my life before would ask for those favors in exchange for the seemingly love and affection I wanted from them. Things that I scarcely received from my own father.

I trusted men but they betrayed me. My own father abandoned me when I was young. Though he would come home from time to time still he feels so distant from me. The last closest encounter I had with him was when I was six years old. Then that was it.

I looked for love from the wrong places. I trusted my grandfathers before to take care of me but then they destroyed my trust and abused my innocent mind by molesting me sexually. I did not like it at first but then I felt the wrong pleasures those abuses gave me. That is why right now I am having a wrong view on sex and love. Add to that the wrong relationships I had in the past where they would also touched my body in the wrong way, I would simply give in because I was afraid of losing their love and affection that actually were lies only.\

Then  I was blamed by my own mother. When I suffered those abuses I was blamed. I have been suffering from this in silence. And now that I am with a good man, I just can't seem to really dig his love for me for I have become accustomed with the wrong kind of treatment already.

Lord, I know You can heal me. I don't want to get married having these baggage in me because I want to become a blessing to my husband and my future family. Lord, help me to fully forgive those people and to just move on and focus what I have right now.

Lord, only You can heal me. My abusive tendencies. Help me to find a good counselor Lord who can help me with my struggles. Help me Lord.

Thank You Father. Thank You for I am on my path to freedom because of You.

Amen.