March 2, 2012, Friday

Dear Lord,

I know, I have been struggling deep within me. About my feelings for Ryan. Father, because of our encounter, my life really turned upside down. My emotions have experienced such a roller-coaster ride.

I forgot that he is not a christian. No, not really did I forget but I was hoping and really hoping that You would make the tides go along with me and my desire.

Father, You know he is a good man though I still don't know him that much. But indeed, Father I just want to let go of him. It is really painful deep inside but I am letting him go. I will just let You work in my life until the day that You will answer my prayer that I will have a good husband and a beautiful family and You will be our "center."

Father, I must admit that deep inside, I want Ryan because I know that he can give me the financial security and a nice environment to live in if we'd get married. Yet, this only shows my lack of faithfulness. Deep inside, I was already depending on him, thinking he could fulfill my needs when in fact You are the only One who can and could give every need that I have, all the time.

I don't know what the future will bring. All I need to do is to let go and really do. Let You work in my life as I give You the free reign. I know, my dissatisfaction manifested with the way I have been eating that though I was already full and satiated, I still did not feel satisfied.

I have realized as I listened to Pastor Lapiz's preaching that I need to let go of that desire I have for that man. That I should not let my emotions get the best of me. Ryan is not a christian like me so painful as it is, I will let go of him. Though it hurts me.

Lord, what about his parents? I want to do something good for them. Let it not be stained by my selfish and hidden agenda and tainted by my evil desire but let me be driven by love and sincerity. The purity of heart that only comes from You. That regardless if I end up with their son or not, I will still do what I have been compelled to do.

Father, close my heart until it is the right time. Please, let me just serve and love others without waiting nor anticipating anything in return. Lord, help me become more faithful. Help me to become more loving and kinder and yes, help me practice the faith that I professed.

Lord, I still pray for Ryan. Please take good care of him. And yes, lead his ways and I pray that he will end up with a woman who will love him and will become faithful and loving to him. I wish I were that woman Lord but if it is not Your will and if that will put my faith and relationship with You in a compromise, then I pray that You will extinguish that wish in me.

Father, I am letting go. This time, for real. Just guide me to the right path. The path that You have already ordained for me.

Thank You, Lord. Amen